there's always the next hill to climb

2011-12-08T16:55:00.000+08:00

sleep/wake/sleep/wake/rot/wonder/sleep.

2011-11-15T15:59:00.001+08:00

the texts come in and they make me ):

mother's not making this easier, I'm not looking forward to tonight when I get back.

my dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room.

2011-11-14T11:14:00.000+08:00

researching researching.
reseaching makes me feel like my path's confirmed out alr.
Meh.

2011-10-31T09:55:00.000+08:00

I can't do this.

2011-10-26T18:55:00.000+08:00

This is bloody annoying again.

Tsk.

2011-10-15T00:24:00.001+08:00

Today; I texted my t11, and the people who replied; were the people who I wasn't that close to; were the people I spent lesser time with; the people I didn't expect to reply so fast etc.

-raises eyebrow.

I don't know why going on fb and seeing photos, and people whom I'm come to know and love; and miss them all like crazy. Absolute nuts.

Wonders if I'd get to graduate from here.

2011-10-14T23:35:00.001+08:00

This is stupid, but I absolutely hate this free time, especially next week's allocated timetable. And the week after that.

I don't have anything except lunch. -_____________________-

sigh.

2011-10-09T23:43:00.002+08:00

My eyes are starting to dry and I have to keep blinking for them to be clear; but I've slept so much today I'm starting to get tired from sleeping too much.

Ant's texts make me cringe at my weakness now.

Sucks balls.

So much more awake now that I almost forgot to bathe, then did.

I'm wondering what to reply bry.

it's like. I told him I needed the time to focus. But what did I do. ._.

replaying wangleehom's nibuzai even though I don't even know the lyrics; but the music calms me somehow.

so what now?

2011-10-09T01:01:00.001+08:00

Dear God;

talk to me.

Because I'm feeling so helpless now, and alone.

I don't know why the feelings are swelling up, the tiredness takes over me, the clogged up emotions again.

2011-10-08T21:26:00.002+08:00

It's only the past few weeks, that I've opened myself to my current class.

It sucks balls knowing that there's such a high possibility I can't stay.

I know you're gonna kill me for saying these things, sock, but reality, is what it is, reality.

Alexandra ikea with the usual peeps as well as the cute invaders from t16 yesterday; it felt like the last supper. (Tummy innocently mentioned it, it had no connotations whatsoever with my thoughts, but somehow it just connected, and it tore at the heartstrings.)

I'm grateful for all the concern, all the love, all the texts, but sometimes I get tired from replying frank thoughts, or even to ponder whether or not to speak exactly what's on my mind.
This is one of the things I hate so much, to affect others with my pessismistic thoughts, or shoot down innocent concern, genuine ones, with downcast and dwell-in-my-sorrows-nothing-can-rouse-me comments.

I look at chu, rios, char, aarsin, pek, taiyang, and I wonder.

It's more of. Where do I go after this? To leave what I love?

/my parents are still up, my mom asked today if I'll take the path of becoming a teacher.
I told her that's a second career; she asked what was the first.

Frankly I think only sock and ponyo, jojo and aary know.
I did tell them after a while though.

I think I tend to get too comfortable and caught up in emotions, than to see beyond clearly, that the future is still something that is static in a sense, that I can't run from it.

That I need to stand again.

I've been making people feel that bad; that they can't comfort me, or do anything; that they're helpless. Like for that sheep; that because of the different conditions we were brought up in, the way out lives have turned out; that our lives and perspectives are slightly different.
It's not his fault, because he's never experienced the jc life, nor fail to himself.
That he could never experience any inkling of this, because this is so different from his life.
So he can't do much, he can't say much. But he tries so hard.

And sometimes I wonder about this relationship, but that's not the point today.

To fail to yourself; the only way to succeed is through your intrinsic strength, is it not.

I tend to run away; to have the urge to leave mass when things like these happen; to walk out in the middle of mass. I didn't today, nor did I have ct next to me, no partner today.
The ado room didn't give me any repose, was I expecting some higher power to jolt me awake?

Listening to clapton's tears in heaven now, a cover. Reminds me of my birthday present this year; that someone learnt how to play it, through a phonecall at midnight-ish.

Each year's going to be one of retrospective during that particular period of time. Five days after her passing.

It's storming.

Rain's awesome. But lonely.

Ant is screaming at me to get back up on my feet.

how?

What's this man. What the fugg are you trying to do to yourself again.

2011-10-08T20:49:00.002+08:00

I keep backspace-ing and re-typing.

I don't have the mood to type at length now; not yet.

I'm really wishing everyone wasn't at home.

Hmm.

2011-10-01T11:34:00.000+08:00

ack.

2011-09-03T14:00:00.000+08:00

rawr.

2011-08-29T21:19:00.001+08:00

I need the drive, I need the motivation to keep pushing harder and harder.

-breathes.

ROAR.

It's hard, it's a rollercoaster ride. One heck of it.

2011-08-20T13:42:00.001+08:00

Most days now, I still don't have the drive. Or push. Screw this, why am I not moving much even though I know I'd be regretting it?

ARGH.

2011-08-19T16:02:00.002+08:00

Today I realized I met a person that makes/is making such a huge difference in my life - my home tutor mr chiaaaaaa.

I've never felt so welcome, so part of a class, so... cared for, that he's doing so much more than a typical teacher would ever do.
So much time, effort, personal sacrifice it's actually pushing me to do work now.
Like coming personally to my house a little while ago to drop me his tday present to us, and some hw.

-breathes-

Respect.

I'm gonna go finish my essay now.

2011-08-19T09:32:00.003+08:00

because I'm afraid that someday I'll hurt you the same way I did to her; because I'm not entirely sure of my feelings now.

Siiiiiiiiiiick. aary made my day yesterday, such an awesome nut.

Still feeling sore about not being able to see so many friends performing today at the concert. ): ACK.

but I reasoned with myself, promos priority, so it's a lot better that I'm well enough to keep chionging to clear my lag work and keep pushing, 48 days left.

Still that reasoning doesn't feel awesome, I still want to see aary/luigi/bangla/dmg on stage. ):

The little break at home would be muchmuchmuch better if ze mudder wasn't on urgent halfday leave today. Like I need taking care of, it's not like I'm rendered immobile etc lol. But she's doing a lot more of her own stuff, and home stuff, plus nagging about anything and everything.

Think I would've given almost anything to have a solo day at home today.

But my kor's back early this week, which is actually okay, it's just that I wanted to have a peaceful time today.

Today needs to be productive, it must it must. HYAK.

2011-07-21T21:34:00.002+08:00

Confused. And I still don't know how to reply that message.

I don't really have time for this now.

Just hoping for saturday to come and settle all my worries for now.

hey sock we need to catchup soon. ):

why's our schedules so contradictory. Eeh.

2011-07-10T08:50:00.003+08:00

I dreamt about both a and c yesterday night; somehow when you're really shagged out and aching everywhere (it hurts to walk now because my entire back and arms are aching like crazy, more than last night),dreams just occur one after the other. Haaaaaa, lag body as usual.

but yesterday was so much more fun than expected because it was a lotta awkwardness at the beginning because I was the youngest and most irregular one. But after a while,everybody knew everybody, and I got tackled by din. Even the FIs make fun of me now, etc, and it almost feels like another family-in-the-making.

These past two weekends have been filled with so much npcc stuff; and with all these, I don't regret going for the course, if not I'll never have such memories or have met all these random people. InitiallyI hated it, I never got back the drive. But now it's a lot stronger.
Also especially when I see my closer friends in the gang here putting in their time and bloodsweattears over their juniors and all, for unselfish reasons.

And it's really an awwwwwh feeling receiving really sweet texts from c ; and him panicking and spam calling because of the worry that I got kidnapped or something/ or major worry because a few days this week I got too mind blasted and tired and headed home alone at night after a really long day of crap. And random messages daily.

Can't help wondering about some things, because c mentions things before he/I sleep, and they've never been said before. And c's one of those people who know exactly when I conk out and fall asleep while replying.

But still, they're not my priority right now; even as I'm confused about a.

I finally went to f's page. And I remember how/why/when I fell so hard, lol.
But some things of the world just cannot, cannot be, cannot stay.

It's been so long.

2011-06-29T19:17:00.002+08:00

I've become so cold that 'm completely numbed right now, I don't feel panic nor fear.
There's this resignation; okay not even resignation. It's just a blank feeling that's just... there.
Again.

No rollercoaster emotions, nothing. Yet it's not like there's a peace.

Perhaps the numbness is a subconcious way of protecting, in a way. But this way, when I feel, it's going to hit so much harder than before.
And I wonder why I subconsciously do this.

It's going to be camp on friday; I'm not prepared to conduct my tbg, I'm not prepared to give my all and let my cadets make the most of this camp; to impart my knowledge, my experience, to influence positively, that they'd leave, having an impression of me; that I want to finish camp knowing that I've impacted my kids to a good extent. That I've made a significant difference in their lives.

That when they look back, they'd say at this certain point in my life, that person, I'd remember.
That when camp breaks, I can say that I've done my best for them.

but at this point of time, my mind's so preoccupied with so much other things, I'm a lot more subdued and detached, I'm not in the right frame of mind to give them that.

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh.

Maths is tomorrow. So's lit. The whole world is freaking out about lit, but I'm not. Mine's lit.

lit; makes me happy. It's the only subject that I have full control of, the only subject I have the confidence and ability to roughly ace it, not just barely pass. Acing in the making, but my lit grade's always something that I never had to worry about, nor spend too much time on it.

I could just write on and on without struggling for lit; it's never been a problem.
It's a lot better this year, I'm gaining ground, and am more sensitive to how to answer and think of this to write, back to my pure-lit secondary school days. That I'm not just getting D/Es, but higher.

But lit/gp alone doesn't get you anywhere. Aye.

Such is the wonderful education system. Too brilliant it blows my socks off.

I don't have time to think of anything else, I don't dare to think about life after myes.

..."If there is one" is a scary, loaded sentence.

2011-06-27T09:55:00.002+08:00

nerves jumping.

heart jumping.

-breathes-

I think I just left out God for the whole of this month, that He didn't come into my mind at all.

"Pray".

I kinda doubt that, a little, because God helps those who help themselves, and I didn't, to quite an extent.

paper's in 3 hours.

I'm feeling bad because I'm not replying choons about atc matters. I really want to explode about this and freak out, but he's stressed about atc and I can't be selfish.

-moo.

2011-06-23T00:06:00.003+08:00

I'm tired.
Bloody hell tired. As well as scared shitless, stressed out, till there' s this constriction;

of frustration, of fear, of hormones(uh whaaaaat?), of solitude, of missing my ahma, of so many things.

Before he left for retreat, bry told me to feel. But I couldn't, I was so detached.
Still am, to a partial extent. I can't cry, I'm subconsciously telling myself I don't bloody hell have time to break down and explode, even though it's just for a while.

Procrastination, yes, I'm not pushing my hardest.

yet; If not now, then when? I have too much to lose.

Whappen to suck it up and take it like a man.

ANGST. so much angsty feelings.

I need to breathe/ I keep feeling this, and get caught up in a whirlwind of emotions instead of intensely studying. So much for a brain that keeps thinking.

Kyle landry's canon improvisation is going on and on on repeat; it works a little, but not really.

Kor's out for retreat, rachael's at np camp, 'm stuck at home with the parents.

who are asleep, but still, today I was alone in the house for a while.

I usually do majorly like being home alone, but today it wasn't a good one.

What happens when your dreams and passions clash with the restrictions and stark reality of life and examinations comes blasting down?

Almost met ct today, but it's an almost, lol. Ahwell. Screw hormones.

Screw hormones, screw myes.

I'm thankful for samuel today in random texts today; but. He isn't one I can share my true feelings to without worrying about perceptions.

everybody's ultimately alone, aren't they? In a crude, almost pessimistic way. I think I can now understand bry's way of thinking, with regards to that. That you can never really trust, never really rely, because ultimately it's just you.

I've always rebutted that, always gently argued with him, hoping that one day he could see that it's not. That people rely on each other for a reason, that though many things happen like backstabbing, drifting, etc, they still do, and there's actually no negative connotation in the long run.

Still, sometimes in times like this when I'm so shagged of everything, thoughts like that pop into my mind and render me helpless.

I guess that's why I cried so hard when I visited my ahma's niche about two weeks ago.
I went to auntie ongbee's niche too.

Such people of strength, of so much courage to keep moving on, so much that I can never do so.
And then I wondered, I'm that weak.
And I asked my gramma; where do I find that strength, when you're not here with me?
How are you so strong to keep pushing forward, when I can't right now?
Why are you not here to hold me and tell me that tears are for the weak;
and even when you say so, you still gently give me strength, and hope that I'm not alone, still give me random food to eat, give me icecream to cheer me up, tell rachael not to disturb me etc etc when you realize that I'm stressed/troubled?
How can I push on when I'm crumbling under all of this?
How is it you know that I'm such a vulnerable, fragile being under the common exterior that I show people?

aaaand stuff like that.

after exploding some water now, 'm a little less tense.

But yeah.

I met bry after going by st anne's, and I'm still amazed at the way he knows me.
though I made him late because that dude is a stubborn nut and didn't want to leave before me; it struck me, on my way back; his eyes changed again, they just glazed over.
They actually became vulnerable again; that he was worried.

And that's why I rarely want to say anything, to show anything, that 'm that tensed up these few weeks. Other than sock and a few other people, I affect the rest who don't know-know me.
I make them worried etc.

bry told clicky about my nutty state of mind, which I'm actually thankful for. I miss my clicky, I have so much to tell her, and so much to listen to.
"She was hurt that you were hurt, but she knew you would, and will fight on."

It hit me hard.

That people like clicky, sock, bry, etc, know and believe that I'm capable of pushing harder beyond my limits. That I'm able to change my limits. To suck it up and come back stronger.

and then...

I'll fight now.
and stop being so cold and indifferent and silent due to suppressed feelings.

-moo softly.

nights/

2011-06-21T19:19:00.002+08:00

I'm afraid.

Sick of feeling randomly angsty.

Yet not doing anything about it.

I NEED TO DO MATHS I MUST I MUST.

2011-06-09T19:29:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I really want to know what you're thinking; stop giving me weird signals that don't make sense, stop.

2011-06-02T09:42:00.001+08:00

Feeling so angsty for no apparent reason; daaamn.
And I could have gone to st anne's but it's a little too late now, I don't wanna pon lec. Hmmm.

2011-05-26T23:31:00.002+08:00

Why're you trying to take away what I strive and work so hard for; npcc and odac?

Bloody hell.

2011-05-09T13:10:00.002+08:00

"I wish I knew how to quit you".

Okay I'll take some time to think a little now.

I'm afraid for the proposal today, to ask today; stupid thoughts of giving up and leaving it; what is odac to me/how much do I actually want this expedition/having feelings of ditching it.
Bry's reaction to me having these thoughts actually jolts me back to reality that I can't think this, or I'll regret it completely.

This blankness is good for studying, really.
So I'll abandon the com at 3 and head to the room to mug.
Night studying starts tomorrow.

Proposal tonight actually outweighs what I told feng/bry/admitted to ponyo.
But regarding that.... I'm not ready to think those thoughts, frankly. Or to feel them.
Like it takes courage to actually allow myself to feel those feelings.

Because when I feel that, it's a major thing, it's not trivial, it's not a passing phase, or something I'm unsure about.
It's strange, it's queer, and it's harmful to myself; in the form that the more I think about it, the more I would want things to happen, whatever they may be.
Progression or even a prospective beginning? No, not really, not yet. I don't have enough time or that to be a priority over studies and what I want to do in June.

I was talking to brandon on thurs; yeah those who go for June course would actually screw your midyears; with the exception of smartbutts like Edmund and Junm who're in top schools; their brains are different... I'm the kind who gets caught up in the passion of doing things that I love.

Like for matters for npcc; how much time I devoted to it in my secondary school life, and beyond. I faltered last year, when lost balance and had so much suppressed anger towards it; that it actually showed in my attitude towards the cibtc course; only till much later did I embrace and am actually proud to be a CI, to still maintain links to things that I am willing to put in so much time and effort for.

I guess it's the same for odac right now; that I have the same levels of passion for it. Indeed I'm not sucked in nor blown away by some of the knowledge that I've learned so far; but I like it here; things I'll elaborate and dwell upon when I think about it again, maybe.

It's been more than four years; no I haven't really let it go, or have I?
I think I can't ever fully do so actually, because it was so close to my heart. Not even a 'was', it's more of a 'is'.
.... I haven't texted that dude for almost two weeks or so alr; it took a lot of control.
But I can't continue to be so selfish to keep chasing for something that I already lost.
Then again, am I continuing to dwell in things long gone, or am I ready enough to be mature about it and be 'normal' with that dude? Is it truly possible to be friends that are just a little more than platonic, but not romantic(for lack of a better word) any more; completely?
Hmmm.

Yeah I'm ready, actually.
For both to move on.

So the thoughts are all pushed away again as usual, 've gotten so good at this it's a subconscious event now.
My brain's so blank and numb it's nutssss. It's not a bad thing though.

I need to think, soon.

2011-04-10T11:17:00.003+08:00

-raises eyebrow.

I still can't/won't muster the courage to read/search related things to... ahem.

Yeah.

Anywaaaaaay.

Hmm. Starting the ball rolling and planning for atc/stc is making me really contented now that I'm doing something I love, something I'm interested in, something I'm looking forward and is excited for. To work with awesome people again, mostly old, but some new like Lambie.

It's a good feeling, knowing that we're passing on knowledge and experience from things we've done before.

I fought hard to even go for the meeting; now that I can, for the camp too. [Although it's actually closer to mye than I told the fudder butttttttttttttttt that's not crucial. Hyak]

sigh.

2011-04-03T01:09:00.002+08:00

Mind's caught up; full; and I don't know what it's full off, so I'm here to unravel a little. Probably. Tonight was hx's birthday celebration, it ended on a high note, [and I realised his house is really really near johnny's house. -_-] Yet, it was kinda ruined by fudder's naggings and scoldings just because I didn't receive a missed call. I'm eighteen, dammit, it's not like I'm doing anything illegal or something. -shrugs. Anywaaaay; truth and truth with the seven of us was really eventful. <: Speaking of heart to heart stuff; I thought about her today; yes I still miss her a hell lot, it's been a year since I last saw her. It's like the wounds have never fully healed, but it's like stagnant. Kinda. Thinking about t, the feeling's getting a little stronger. Oh man. -_- But; sheep is still confirmed a human that I'll never like in that way. mmmh. I miss slow, peaceful times. Places like p.end, places like rooftops, places like that hidden corner in sjc. It's been a while since I've really sat down with a close friend to think, to rest, to pour out any emotions if I have to. These few weeks have been rush after rush, so crammed I haven't had time to take a proper breather. Of aunty ongbee's passing, where I didn't feel much, almost as if I don't have the brain space to think. It was the first time I saw a person take a last breath in front of me, being taken down to the viewing room, seeing the respective people take the body away, cover it with a cloth etc. Technically I'm supposed to feel, but I didn't. Tired, so tired mentally. Of everything; of trying to prove my studies, so I mug. Of improving my physical self, and pushing as much as I can, but not always. Of not thinking of matters of the heart, because there're not of any importance, yet. Of coping, of... so many. Till I can't narrow it down particularly. Morning runs and pt are the only things that help me to sleep. But still I don't feel like it's a peaceful sleep. -moo softly.

2011-03-14T23:50:00.002+08:00

Suddenly feeling really angsty-ish or frustrated right now.
Sucks. -_-
Like something small and random can get me pissed right at this moment, or a spark can set me off that I'd get too pissed and go off to my cowee and be so annoyed I'd just poof.
Annoying thing is that I can't pinpoint the exact reason why. -___________-

Partially perhaps; that I'm the only one not going for the full expedition, and having to turn back at woodlands checkpoint. I know I should be grateful that they're not pulling me out of something that I live for.

And I prayed for it, that they'd accept; which they do, now, partially. Resigned-ly. But acceptance nonetheless. Even if it's used as a bribe. But. Yeah.
It's disappointing, really disappointing it makes me really saddened that I'm missing out on shared memories and experiences. And planning my bag up to the second day only.
I know I should be optimistic; I've tried, but it's still hard lah. Aye. It's friggin annoying, friggin hurting, friggin annoyed why they have to be like that.

And; knowing that Aunty Ongbee is critically ill in the hospital fighting stomach cancer. She's like my second gramma. Not counting blood relations; but she knew me even before I was born; she's one of my ahma's best friends.
To see a person detoriate bit by bit, getting to half the size, having such gaunt-ness and weakness in the body, knowing there isn't much time left, is a bloody sucky feeling.
Knowing that there can be no cure for cancer right now, knowing that no amount of medication can heal; to know that she can't enjoy what she wants to eat as and when she likes; being reliant on the walker and such.

Ack. Negativity setting in.

Don't know if I should go for maths tutorial tomorrow, or devote myself to doing the xp banner instead.

My head's throbbing. Eeh. Hmmo. I'm looking forward to this saturday's meeting though. If forgoing half an xp = going for atc, maaaaaaybe it's not that bad, because I still get to spend time with 368, with jojo, with sheepie, whom I haven't really caught up with. Okay it's only been three days since I've met the sheep, but I miss talking alr. Blueak.

I want ubin's skies, nowwwwwwwwwww. Been a while since I've stoned at pretty skies.
Since one of today's mini lectures had the study of constellations.

I remember how you love the skies. Did you remember about last sunday?
Hm. Wonders.

Shall roll off. Is a whole lot calmer now. Tsk hormones? Or maybe it's Drifter, but cannot be. hurhur.

I feel frigging bad that I can't do anything for bry but drift off halfway and brood instead. ohmymoo mario you suck. T_T

2011-03-12T10:19:00.001+08:00

mmmh has been feeling insecurity these days. Tsk.

2011-02-21T19:44:00.001+08:00

Ooh its been two weeks.

Busy itching away now, stupiak mozzies.

Life in class hasn't been that bad, its been manageable and all. Apart from maths.

Ah I shall go bathe first and be a hardcore mugger to be.

1march is coming; my 5th piercing is coming, maaaaaaaybe?

2011-02-10T19:11:00.001+08:00

I should stop taking the easy way out and copy notes from last year's. :X

ah, today was nice, trance, armadillo and kumarr are awesome company (: close to three hours of lepak at canteen and lunch!

MY THIGHS HURT LIKE MOOOOO.

off to tie strings (;

2011-02-08T23:15:00.002+08:00

MAI STAHMAK KEEPS GROWLING WHYWHYWHY. -_______-

blueak.

ohman my sheep friend texted me a cryptic message about family matters and the dude hasn't replied, I is worried. D:

2011-02-07T20:04:00.002+08:00

I DONT HAVE A PASSPORT PHOTO WTMOO.
I liked my spastic face on my ezlink card but I don't have that one anymore ): screw you uniform group form and student profiling last year pffft and cibtc course form zzzz.
ohwells got to take tomorrow!

First day in a class!
It ain't too bad, clicked pretty well with the guys and we crapped over breaktime. (;
Aaaaand taeyang was around so it ain't exactly venturing alone into stranger-land.
Plus, joyjoy was around when we ended so yaaay.

And apparently armadillo knows chye :D

Peeple haven't started calling me mario yet cos everyone's like SUPPP right now lol.
The ht's so... zzz compared to the yao but he seems to be nice so. Yeah.

Maths is blahhhhdy annoying though. I MISS MR KAM.

Meh. Criteria for passing's more stringent now. I just did binomial tutorial yay. Must be hardcore uh this year.

I don't know if I made the right decision to register for ahem's trials, the humans at home don't know. MUST HAVE DETERMINATION. Needa kidnap aary to talk soon. ):

HOHO. I love my sensitivity. I was right about something, heh.
Love makes the world go round huh. m/k pairing hohohohohoo.

I seem higher today; as noted by mushroomo. Hmmmm.
I guess I'm just glad that I'm starting to feel comfortable in my skin right now, because I don't feel the age thing, or feel that awkward and all.
I wanna talk to nigey soon. ):

AND SOCK.

mudderfudder daaaaamn annoying now tsk.

Ah, I miss seeing mushroomo around randomly, and melchan my bro and all.

-stretches out-

how ah, I just slept for 2 1/2 hours just now. Hmmo. Probably meeting haima to school tomorrow.

2011-01-22T00:23:00.001+08:00

Today was eventful.

2011-01-20T16:47:00.001+08:00

So productive, not.

HELLO FATS PLEASE TRANSFORM YOURSELVES. ):

sock, If you can believe it and conceive it you can achieve it. (:

2011-01-19T21:27:00.002+08:00

Thanks sock, for letting me through to your lj. I still get lost in anything lj hurhur. -waves a nice smelling sock at you- (:

Reading g's lj, it was written on the 15th, which I didn't go to that session because I went for 11 with the rest. As well as finding out that bry spammed his sprained fingers with counterpain, miss genius he is.

Still; yes I too don't see the point in going back most times. Or if I do go, it's either the go-with-the-motions thinking, or sometimes just trying, trying to see the point in it.
Frankly, I'm sick of the what-are-we-doing-as-a-community question, fights in between, people voicing out their opinios and having clashes here and there, superficial harmony kinda thing.

I used to console myself, when we first started in sec 3(?), no, 4ish.
That we were still young, that we had a long way to go as a community.
But nah, that's excuses. The characters that we have, down from the 30-odd members we used to have to a shuffle of 20ish with half from the cohort below us, are bound to clash, permanently.
Sometimes I feel its so fake-ish its rather unsettling, but that's the way the world works isn't it?

Perhaps sometimes it's not a facade, but a kind-of front, that superficial harmony is good.
But where, pray tell(oooh shakespeare) are we gonna grow anyway. It's been almost three years that we've been a group.

Or perhaps I'm being too critical? For I don't do anything about it anyway, not much. Sometimes it's a little awkward with those in the group that I seldom talk to/meet. Sometimes.

For me, it has nothing to do with me drifting away from church, from my faith currently, still drifting and not having any inclination or strong bond with the Lord right now. Because these.. do you call them situations? ..have always been there.
And I get the feeling, I know, that bry foresaw all of these once upon a time, that's why he left. -shrugs.
It's true, after all.

I'm headed back to friday-sharings this week, but it's for nigey; our "sharings"; talking about life and everything else, is at the park instead, high up on a spiderweb climbing thing.
Somehow, I know he tells things to me that he hardly mentions to anyone, and the same goes for me, so its good in a way. Like I told him about the cca stuff last year, and he knew exactly where to find me when I totally disappeared from mass; and the period when I just didn't go for mass at all, week after all.

Guess it's partially with him, that I returned back to the church, for mass, for ado.

Bible sharings, I don't go to no more, it holds not much purpose for me, I don't see the point in going back. Till I find my purpose in coming back, I don't appear there on fridays anymore?

Hmmo. And partially, friday I'm heading back; to talk to dairy, and figure out what exactly happened the other day. Ah wells.

Getting kicked off the com. Adios for now;

2011-01-17T22:25:00.001+08:00

I think I'm just wasting my days away; day in and out.

Tch.

2011-01-10T13:04:00.002+08:00

I'm utterly bored tskkk.

Heading to sjc later to pick rachael and pop by for laograce, kai, ray and lyndsex etc. Not really interested to find out the overall performance of the school, hurhur. But ah wells.

-shrugs. I wanna watch the tourist! But tangy just started school, howww.
And nic and ah cheng's birthday, I can't attend ): Was looking forward to meet 368 again, bleah.
Grandfather had a weird decision to have reunion dinner this sunday. Like whatthemoo, its daaaaaaaaaaaamn early okay.

Drown my sorrows in eating train--subway. Hah.

bry knows now, and he's being an emo pok, sigh.

off now;

2011-01-09T22:58:00.003+08:00

Lyndsex amuses me, lawl.

Tomorrow's results day, tomorrow school generally opens, tomorrow I'm gonna be nagged awake. Why's the mother on half day leave ):
Slept 3 hours today and I doubt I can sleep so early at midnight. Annoying Fudder tsk.

It's been a while since I've got the weekend-and-tomorrow-is-monday feeling, because school's not starting. Yet. Hmmmm.

Yet, I'm grateful for feng, choons, kj for spamming me/cheering my day on.
It's always heart-warming to have texts that are uplifting and all.

I'm still wondering if bry knows? -raises eyebrow-

Lemme reminiscise a little shall I.

I'm gonna miss my bus buddy samoo every morning who sees my epic hair in the morning before I tie it in five minutes and fall asleep on and he blasts hard rock music into my eyes to snap me awake, walk out and I'd laugh at his fogged up specs, then I'd have company walking to my class, while he trudges upstairs and we'll text about the songs playing on the pa system in the morning.

I'm gonna miss doing pau delivery service to my bro johnny, the sole caveman. Gonna miss spamming postits together, watching him fall asleep in all directions during lectures, vandalizing his notes, sticking gay purple stickers on his belongings, talking about his uhm, stuff. Marveling at his art, chionging work together, doing class last-minute banner stuff and all, talking random shizz until his diao limit explodes. Heh. My partner in crime and waterbottle refill man. sigh.

My joyjoy, the dude I've known the longest but only more last year, who listens to everything I have to say, be it good or bad or.. unique. For me to cry on, spam random nubbish as usual, complain about running etc etc and all in all my crazy nut ozzum joyjoy who's like my ozzumest buddy.

For my jocel, my almost-soulmate, who sings songs really loud together, who knows me through all the crap I had to go through, especially in the first half of the year, even the second. Who cheers me up, does little crazy things and being one of the few people I truly respect, admire, love and would always be there. To hug me tight, to have one look at me and know whether I'm kidding, or truly hurting, like joyjoy.

Pingpong, the seemingly quiet guy, when he talks, its totally nuts and caveman's accomplice. The hidden genius who hasn't really gotten motivation; his true potential is really far off from his academia now. Star basketball player who never boasts, and you can really see the passion he has when he plays. The one who never looks you in the eye when talking, and when finally coerced to take pictures [usually when johnny and I spam like crazy], his are the most epic faces. The one and only where we talk, both facing a wall, yet both feeling really comfortable. Unexpected funnyman, easy-going pingpong.

Kelloo, the one who's truly amused at the random nubbish I can spew, and everything that makes her giggle like crazy. Though never knowing me deeply, but usually seeing the spasm-ing side of me. Which ain't a bad thing, because we never run out of things to say~ And I think she's influenced by my nutty crap. Heeh.

Drewie, my model drewie-ish human. The one who's the picture of calm, the sensitive new age guy ahaha. Who texts me encouraging messages when I was going through that, going out of his way to pave the chances and opportunities for me once upon a time. The guy who's totally passionate about what he loves to do, and is another true leader that I look up to. Shy initially, yet gradually opening up to others; and a damn good lan player, lol. Loves his family, friends, both of which are really close and important to him, stopping at nothing to protect them.

Chyechyechyeeee, who's heading back to uk soon.. I just saw her note again. It pains me to know that the period of time when I started heading back into my shell and stop being so cheery, was spotted by chye, jocel, joyjoy and caveman. It's sad, because I could've spent more time before she left for uk; brightening up her year, and it annoys the shit outta me, that my mood affects the ones I love again. Meowww. Now when she's back, sometimes I distance myself a little, and I can see that the judo peeps are the ones that cheer her up most. Yet, she's one of those mentally strong people that I know. It was really nice to see her un-emo herself after much crappy nonsense from joce and I, and the antics of caveman and I. Chye's someone who I could tell almost everything about thaaaat stuff, comfortably, and she encouraged me everyday; even standing on my side when thaaaat human rejected me from thaaaat. Still, I kinda wish she stayed and not fly to uk. hmmmm. I miss screaming GOODMORNING into her ear every morning. T_T

Luigi/justin, the guitar wonderboy, drewie's twin matchstick and drea's love, ahah. The guy version of drea, yet another crazy blur sensitive nuttttttt. Though our paths usually don't cross, still a great dude to hang out with and lan, yet kindaaaaa a little hard to talk about serious stuff; yet ah wells. Friend nevertheless, a really fun one.

y square; the spunky blur kid, the genius one who takes jap, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand could spend the whole day stuck to a manga book, or just start laughing at caveman and I. Accomplice in crime with the both of us when not doing history or lit and complains about maths as much as I do. Creative, giggly, spasmy and a good friend too.

eeeeevan; pure genius, even though my first impression of him was icantunderstandthisdude; different wavelengths, different thoughts. Hardworking, really intellectual, pisses meira off on a daily basis, the one whom me and caveman get really fascinated by when meira and him start debating on some random topic, sometimes with varsh. Funny in a cute way, the one who laughs at my nuttyness, the one who I'd run a second 2.4 with, cheering him all the way. [yeah, I actually do that every pe when we practice for 2.4] I'm gonna miss ivan, and the way he calls all his random postit mail on his table his fanmail. Or breaks when he starts scribbling poems of his own on the board. mmh...

meira; porn queen ahah. Calls me a kattan daily, yet amuses all of us with her reading her porn stories. ahah makes her sound so...baa. Yet, lessons are never the same without her challenging the teacher with her personal views which together with eevan, is total cheemness yet makes sense. Annoys the hell outta teachers who don't think much about.... the world in general? Epitome of out-of-the-box thinking, a really good debator, anddddd yeah. Makes us feel like noobs, but really happy noobs. Like seeing the light because they debate kinda thing. Oh, and protects us from having to contribute any views hehhehheh.

cell; epic drama queen. Daaaaaaamn epic, yet there's a time for everything; sometimes she's really totally blur its freaking funny, and yet when it's time to be serious, you can tell by the tone of her voice and behaviour that it's really a focused human. One of the sources of craziness in class, and noise, and nubbish etc etc. Oh cellllllllllllllll.

It's most of the class that i've mentioned; perhaps I'll space out and talk about other peeple that I met; later in the day.

And I wonder, actually.
What was my impact on these wonderful, unique people?

Am I gonna be missed when school starts in 7 hours?

2011-01-04T22:37:00.002+08:00

back and hooked on Train's Marry Me. Heard it on the radio last night and was wondering what the song was. Hurr. It's so sweeet. I've listened to the whole album and its actually pretty good. (:

okayokay going off to watch csi first. ^^

2010-12-30T16:08:00.003+08:00

lyndsex stop stalking me. ahah. My cds are all damn straight on the table now, where everything else is a pile of... bleah. ):

I thank God for yeowyeow who helped me yesterday. (; Total relief, baaaaa. Though he's too lazy to tell me the whole story. Hurr.

Hmmm. Was feeling like a spare tyre yesterday. Ah.

Sungha Jung is sucha talented dude!

I was watching some chinese wuxia show just now. Nicholas Tse is hot ahah. I'm so gonna call my kid Tingfeng one fine day.

Off to upload photos and watch fugitive b,
and ignore my table. Battle-zone table. Wooooops.

More Than Words was what I used to sing to you; and you cried. meowwww.

2010-12-29T17:13:00.001+08:00

so will I just let it go if it really comes?

2010-12-27T09:35:00.000+08:00

Losing momentum going back to sjc today, hmmo.

2010-12-27T09:06:00.002+08:00

I don't know why the feelings are resurfacing again, I tried to keep them under wraps but.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do, perhaps school should start real soon so I can have distractions again.
Maybe because it's the 27th, I just realized.

It's been. 3 years and 8 months.

Ah.

I can't talk about it with sl, or even to m right now. Oh fenggggg, this is nuts. T_T

2010-12-27T09:00:00.003+08:00

You had her, you lost her again and again, and for one last time because you didn't do enough, deal with it.

sigh.

restlessrestless, so much dreams again.

2010-12-23T23:33:00.003+08:00

Head's throbbing a little, hmm.
Wonder how'm I gonna bring all the presents tomorrow. :/ And I've committed a sin again today tsk.

I wonder about the next year, since rachael was all so excited about sjc and new stuff.
I'm afraid, yes, about next year.
Really afraid, and saddened, apprehensive and wonder a lot about everything that'll be coming.
I still have a blank-ish mind right now, its not helping anything.

Uncle Patgaw visited today with Leon Kor. Yeah, its the first christmas without my gramma.
It's not setting in, yet? I don't know.

I haven't been going to her niche at all these few weeks.
Even if sjc's just next door after training I couldve just popped by.

I don't know, I'm not feeling anything. I don't want to forget. I don't know if I'll start forgetting. Or just have bits and pieces of memories.
They're not fresh memories now, but I can still remember... a lot of things.

I don't know why I'm crying now.

Oh bloody hell.

Tsk. tissue-ed alr. I think I'll head off com for now. Hmm.

2010-11-23T23:15:00.002+08:00

Earplugs?

I don't understand why she keeps bringing my gramma's death everytime she's pissed off with anything. ITS A FREAKING STEAMED EGG THATS BURNT.
Or that I've retained.

Fagg it, this is why I keep repeating that this isn't a true home.
Maybe that's why I keep drifting away from church. Or things in general.
Because nothing seems to be worth any more.

Earplugs. Tsk. Too annoyed to continue. Shall go watch my wongfuproductions.

2010-10-09T11:34:00.001+08:00

Why can't coughs give abs, my stomach is aching from coughing so much. ):

2010-10-07T18:42:00.001+08:00

I'm disappointed, a little, because it seems you want so much to run away.
Or to trust me at least. Mmhmm.

IM ADDICTED TO DISNEY SONGS ZOMGGGGGG.

Okay I should go eat linner and get back to history. MOO.

2010-10-05T17:13:00.002+08:00

MEOW. :O

ah. hopefully ze father will forget I have tuition tonight 'cause I really need to study for econs and only wanna go on saturday. Sadly I don't have the tuesdayteacher's number. Hmmm. How ah.

lalala andrew garcia and jr aquino. (:

mmh. I'm drifting away, maybe even deliberately now, because I don't have full trust in you now.

2010-10-01T23:33:00.001+08:00

MY STAAAAMAK PAIN! WHYWHYWHY :O

why'm I scrolling up and down.

-ditches com and rolls off.

2010-09-03T14:58:00.000+08:00

this is baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. Been rotting.

GET BACK TO WORK YOU MOOMOO. D:

2010-09-03T13:58:00.001+08:00

"Do or do not; there is no try" - Yoda.

hyaaaaaaaaaaaa watching star wars videos. -_-

EGG TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAART.

2010-09-02T23:36:00.000+08:00

whinewhinewhine. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

2010-09-01T17:03:00.002+08:00

No its white and fugly, which is fine, but it's also stinging and freaking painful when I try putting weight on it.

Shittiest thing is that I can't meet up with chye and send her off. ):

ROAR.

It's exactly a month to promos. Dammit, mario, get the fugg up and drown in studies.

I MUST FINISH THREE TUTORIALS TONIGHT I MUST I MUST.

Woke at 7, then 9plus, then 1130. I think the painkillers make me drowsy. Slept from 12 to 2 again. hurrr. Damn pig.

"...take care alright."

"You make it seem like I hardly do."

"You don't."

I still care a lot about perceptions, of perceptives.

Tsk. Get a life, moorio.

2010-08-30T00:37:00.001+08:00

MOVE, DAMMIT.

2010-08-25T22:35:00.002+08:00

Blank thoughts.

Watched Ip Man on dvd with kor just now. Patriotic ey, Master Ip~ (: though some parts were voiced overrrrrr. And that jap guy looks espanol instead. Spanish or Latino or something.

I don't know why I went back to sjc just now. It's kinda depressing in a sense, because I don't feel the homey feeling there no longer, because I'm no longer a part of it? A little.
Awkwardddddd. Just not the same kind of person as 28dollars and samtan. Rin's fine, but still. Overall.
I can't get excited over visiting saggy or anything. Times have changed, people have changed, teachers leave, the home's only temporary.
Only the epic fail indian bungs remain but that's not the point.

And I cut my hair on impulse today. It's puberty hair again. Tsk. Not long enough to tie properly, not short enough to leave it.

Popped by st anne's, it was hard to bear.
Slid down the pillar and just exploded before ahma's niche.

There'd be moments that I just scream internally at myself, to get a friggin grip, to move, to lift up;
chin up, to face the world, to face people.
Yet I'm so blank now, so bloody quiet.

I miss my gramma a lot.

I don't have a freaking dream.

They're calling for helpers for the sec 3 confi retreat, and sec 2 con camp, for archdiocesan youth day.
But I'm not at peace, wouldn't it be selfish of me; because I'm not giving my all, spiritually and emotionally?

-moo quietly.

I...still can't go back for mass. Not yet.

If I don't mass, what kind of example would I be setting for the kids.
Yet, I don't have the peace. I sit in the adoration room instead and poof off there.

Am I deliberately avoiding all conversation and being solo?

I walked to the bus stop alone after the epic tday celebration today. Plugged in, and blocked out the world.
The solitude is not a tranquil one. Hmmm.

Sometimes there's frustration, sometimes there's pain, sometimes there's despair, longing, hurt.
Sometimes there's nothing.
Sometimes sleep's all I want.
Sometimes I don't have the motivation to go to school
Sometimes I text what I actually feel.
Sometimes I wonder whether or not to text my actual thoughts, or to hide it, because such depressing/monotonous/fillintheblank tones in my messages, are not things that I wish to burden upon people.

Yet sometimes, scrolling up and down[hardly now cos of the temp phone] is... heartwrenching. A little.

most days now; I refuse to admit that I'm still hurting.
It's showing; no the hurt isnt showing, the monotony and deadedness is showing. Tsk.

yeah it does, its tearing, when I feel. shitdammit.

THE WEATHER IS FRIGGIN HOT NOW.

I'm getting annoyed by churchies. and sometimes I don't want to appear among them anymore.

so what now, Lord.

2010-08-22T19:06:00.003+08:00

I hate it when she's scolding my ahkong on his birthday.

I hate it that my ahma's not here.

I hate it that I exploded today.

I hate it that I'm feeling emotions today.

I hate it that I couldnt be there for a friend because of my phone getting confiscated and she didnt know my other number. That she was alone, that she was allowed to feel alone.
And I wasn't there.

I hate it that I went for actually went for session today and came out feeling like shit.

I hate it that I feel like shit.

I hate it that I'm still procrastinating a bit and not doing much, right now. But I'm starting to flood myself in work. Promos is in 5 weeks.

I hate it that I can't trust the churchies anymore.

I hate it that I went for confession yesterday during the retreat and came out feeling shitty, not free.

I hate it that I refuse to trust much anymore. Still.

I hate it that I'm running away from socializing. From talking. That I was so silent yesterday even though there were new friends, I was the 'quiet one' when I received a few notes from them in my envelope.

I hate it because I'm slipping back to be the the observer,the muted one, only speaking, sometimes, only when needed. Distant.

I hate it that I'm starting to cry to sleep again, when I start feeling.

I had a missed call from Iryani last night at about 1am. 1237 actually.
And I called back, but no answer.

Reminiscence of the days when I still tried calling so many times, every hour, after that particular message. Of that particular day and days, months, year after that, where I cried so much, hurt so much, that I ran out of church to cry.

I have a lot of thoughts right now.
I really wanted to be held, to let everything out.
Because I'm still hurting a lot, still frustrated, more than ever.

But I don't want to say anything; sometimes.
To bry, who refuses to be convinced when I say I'm fine, or I'm good.

Most days I'm blank, and not thinking much. So it's true, when I say that.

...and I don't want to see a counsellor. To me, its pointless.

[Feng; I know you'll read this soon, but I need to finish an essay thats super overdue and I'll die if I dont hand up tomorrow.]

I walked out of session today after it ended, turned to the columbarium and crumbled for a while; then walked back up. Sammoo noticed. Yet I couldnt, just couldnt tell everything to him; partially because I really had to fly back home.
I took the bus; and met Uncle Stanley. Talked a while about random stuff, he was nice. He was talking about parenthood, of letting go of kids.
Yet he's not the one who I really want to talk to, whom I can confide in.
I miss Fr Frans, who's in hongkong I think. Or something.

The priest who knew everything I felt.

I want to talk to him, to be a kid again.
I wanna curl up next to fishy and cry everything out. Or bry. or someone comforting.

gahhhh. essayessay. FOCUS.

2010-08-11T22:47:00.002+08:00

Come take me home tonight~

I suddenly feel damn cut off from the world. IN THIS HIGHLY TECHNOLOGICAL CENTURY, hgyftrdtyfgyjnkhugfgyhjngfugjnnhvuyfghjknhfyrbhjnnhbvfdghj.
Not so much that I'm an addict or anything, but I hate relying and kop-ing phones to call dudes to get materials or whatnot. Tsk.

CHEEEEEESED OFF. I WANNA TAKE PSLE.
I is a piece of sadpathetic cheese.

2010-08-10T18:40:00.002+08:00

I.

I need to stop procrastinating and not be that stagnant.
I had triple eyelids just now which was kinda cool.
I have an awesome brother who offered to get stuff for me outside.
I have an awesome mushroom who offered to fly down just to pass me a phone.

I am sweating profusely due to pasta.
I am damn bloody full now and I hate it.
I am on the verge of killing youtube because its lagging.
I have an urge to jab the stupid com which is lagging more than youtube.
I have survived 24 hours without a phone which wasnt really okay cos I wasnt really that occupied today and when thoughts came, I couldnt get them out through typing, and I didnt want to call bry.
I am still sweating.
I am thinking of coffeebean.
I am drinking milo which doesnt really help my stomach.
I am damn unfit now it feels sad.
I miss quite a few human beings.
I really want to have holidays.
I am almost entirely in a holiday mood and that is bloody bullshit.
I have a hell lot of work to do.

I have been thinking about Dave randomly.
I have been thinking about Bry randomly. And being unfair to him.
I have been thinking about Iryani randomly.
I have been thinking about life and love, more than randomly.

I have urges to jab all the churchies in my batch, excluding the younger ones.
I am still getting overly critical over the entire youth group; and I can only trust Nige and Shermy, but Nige's not in the group, and Shermy's too innocent to be bogged down by all of my stuff, so no.
I has an urge to leave the group altogether. Tsk.

I have been away from the camera for so long.

I has a violent urge to fart.

I has farted, hehhehheh.

I tend to create damn big shit for myself to fall into.

I am still damn sweaty.
I am supposed to bathe.

I am gonna throw the tv outta the window one more time it tells me to 'Live our dream, fly our flag' because I'm not living or even attempting to live my dream. If I even have one now.
I had the same thoughts while watching Streetdance. To be yourself.
I had the same thoughts reading an article about a violinist who ditched his medical profession to play the violin professionally.

I realise joyjoy's not in school for two weeks.
I don't tell sher everything.
I don't tell bry much either. I want to, but it'll be selfish of me to do so. So nope.

I have so much to say, but I get overwhelmed, and then blank. A little.
I hate being so resigned.

I am supposed to get a bloody document signed by friday.
I dont have the happy feeling of going back to 'home', sjc. No more. It friggin sucks.

I am supposed to stop swearing apparently.
I am supposed to be fighting.

Fighting for?
I don't know what I want, I don't want to know what I want, I don't want to do a frigging thing.

I am getting damn annoyed and frustrated all over again.

I think I'm menopause-ing.
This is awesome.

why the hell am I so sacarstic.

2010-08-09T20:08:00.002+08:00

I reallyreallyreallyreallyREALLY want to watch the parade right now, but my ego is too fucking big and I'm facing the com instead, away from the tv.

When's the encore. -_-

And as part of my bloody big ego, earpieces are currently plugged into my ears but there's no music playing through it now. I hear the pledge and anthem now. ):
oh bloody big ego, go and die.

ahma, anzua ler boh tor. -moo softly.

2010-08-04T21:14:00.002+08:00

While you were sleeping; one more day.

I hate these feelings of insecurity, of solitude.
Of vulnerabilty, ah and copious amounts of procrastination.

I'm still talking to shermy online, and the way he gets worried's cute, and a little heartwarming in some sense. Okay he just went off.

And today's the second day that I come home early, even before Rachael. Sun blazing, and the feeling was this weird sick-ish feeling that I dislike.
Been a while since 've sweated much and feel that my body's fit and moving. Currently I ain't happy with the level of fitness my body is in, 'm damn nua, can't take it. Tsk. And I don't have the discipline to go train either, cos alone training is hell unmotivating. Moo.

I watch the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the pacific end
And you might think I'm losing my mind
But I, will shy away from the specifics

Johnny texted me yesterday, going mariooooooo and saying he was worried; because I emo more, get disturbed more and such.

I miss being the cheery, hyper spastic nut.
But it was a reflection of what I felt; currently kinda nothing's reflecting that.
Yet I feel like some faker if I start that up again. Hmmm. Food for thought.

I can feel my expressions getting distant, subdued, blank.
It sucks. And I can't possibly use tiredness to cover it, because I ain't physically tired at all. Though 've been having 3hour sleeping time these days in the afternoon. Damn pig.

'm getting hooked on Grey's Anatomy songs again.

how my thoughts they spin me round;
how my thoughts they let me down

2010-08-03T20:21:00.002+08:00

Had SD today, national day lesson.

"What's your dream?"

And I couldn't answer, I drew a blank, my little molecule-human had a completely empty thought bubble.

Entire blank.

I'm living day to day, in monotony, kinda.

Hate it, so very much.

Friggin hate it, but my soul's unsettled still.

roar.

fishy where're you.

-moos softly.

2010-08-02T23:09:00.003+08:00

I'm blanked out again, all I want to do is just to curl up next to you and sleep my thoughts away.

moomoo.

Tired dry eyes. MOO.

2010-07-30T22:11:00.000+08:00

Relax; take it easy

2010-07-25T18:16:00.003+08:00

I can't shake off the feelings; even typing this is hard, because it means I have to relive thoughts that I don't want to touch, don't want to think about. So would that mean glossing over situations again?

I guess its not a problem, because there's always solutions to problems ain't there. So I've killed the solutions, where does that leave me.

Where do I find the comfort, refuge that I want, where do I find the security?

It's close to five months that I haven't been to mass, to receive communion. And if I ask if I'm going to hell; dudes are probably gonna knock me over with something.

I left mass again today; even the feast day one. I would've left earlier if mother and rach weren't with me.

I hate the subdued attitude I have; hate the way I let my behaviour affect others, the negativity, of feeling absolute crap, of being that numb; that I hardly talk.

Reverting back to the past of not being that social, of being what I wasn't happy about, wasn't pleased about who I was. So I have't changed to what I want to be.

I care a lot, fucking a lot about what others think of me.

Probably that's detrimental to myself. Hmm not probably, it's definitely.

Do I break away again?

Because I have inflicted numbness on myself; it can go two ways: to up the facade and walls again, or to go missing in action and drown in mugging, hardcore mugging for two months till promos is over. And probably not coming back anymore.

So where's the spiritual journey that I partake; alone?

Hey God; where's the love from the youth group that I'm supposed to feel.

Because I've never felt it, or felt that I really was important there.

Especially so when all these started happening; who called, who texted, who asked?

whether or not I apppeared?

Have I been deluding myself that the group would actually grow over the years and came anyway; to fill the gap for cat classes on sundays?

Or am I too overly critical, wanting that they'd provide me refuge, a listening ear, actually listening and not thinking that I'm shallow and need to grow up.

Perceptions again, I care a lot of what they think after I start to spill.

Thinking back; there was a particular friday night session; that I shared that I felt broken, on my birthday, about my ah ma; about everything.

I shared, but nothing was done.

What am I looking for.

going for the cadetinspector course, was I blindly thinking that the friends I made there would sustain my daily life?

Blinded, fucking blinded.

Going for the shooting competition; jojo knew many there, and I stayed silent, even if I knew Igen, Joel, Yunfang, and the new dudes of SooHou and the other guy; whoever.

Silent again, as years before. Bloody hell.

As with the love; of people around me starting to pair up, starting relationships, starting crushes, pains of longing and everything, of having relationship problems.

Are these feelings of jealousy?

Not deprivation. Just.... weird.

Even if Jojo and Mins [who saw Bry when he popped by compass last week; he said it was to get stuff at valuedollar, but hougang has valuedollar and he clearly knows it, so I is suspicious but dismisses it because the reason I suspect is most probably correct]

think that we has something going on.

But we don't?

It's a question, because I don't know what we are; because we're not bestfriends, but we're not friends either. We're not together [though we had a fun time with the bets that were made] but we're not strangers either.

He tells me he loves me, and I do too, and we both mean it, but the type of love is always undefined, and the topic is hardly broached, partly because I'll avoid it at all costs. And sometimes he does too.

-shrugs.

argh.

2010-07-21T22:12:00.000+08:00

oh bleddy fug.

2010-07-21T20:35:00.001+08:00

ROAR.

needs a hug, needs to cry, needs to let it all out.

But my emotions cannot be shown, dammit, cannot, its affecting more and more dudes and it hurts me like that.

chin up, dammit mario, DAMMIT.

2010-07-12T04:09:00.001+08:00

I'm freezing, its 82 minutes, yellowcards like crazy, and I wanna curl up somewhere to sleep against my mushroomo.

zzz.

2010-07-11T19:22:00.003+08:00

Perhaps silence and conformity are the tools of the trade of living.

2010-07-10T23:37:00.002+08:00

Still contemplating, thinking, looking back and forth, partially floating. Kinda.

Helped Seannie and Lowjuliang today.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand; zhiying ended up getting pissed at dan because I turned up; whatthemoo. Have humans become objects to possess?

And then I wonder; why the people I start to get close to; or are close to; or anything close to that; always have little things like these popping up. Are they considered little?

Like dairy; because I'm hardly talking to him now. It's cold. Or if he texts, its entirely different. And I don't know what to reply, because if I reply in the random nut way, he'll just haha me and end of story.
But I dont reply whats exactly on my mind now, because I'm avoiding so many things I dont know what I avoid.

I hate it, when I come down from the roof and he spots me appearing near the ground floor steps, outside the door. The skeptical look, that look of yeahhhright and...
Ah.... just the kind of look that I feel like strangling him for?
Which its

Like danlow; mister lowjuliang.
zy' so possessive; I really don't pose a threat to her. She gets jealous, he gets the shit, all over again. Just because among his close friends, I'm the only female.
I didn't even do anything, I didn't steal him away or anything, or have any kind of that kinda feelings for him.

tskkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

goes meow and goes to talk to feng and continues later.

2010-07-08T00:44:00.002+08:00

Immunity getting weaker; it feels crappy. rawr.

Slept two hours just now, woke up and thought it was a new day.
Just wanted to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep because it really doesnt make me think at all.

"Live in the now."

Would running away from my thoughts, or avoiding them, or building up walls subconsciously mean not living in the past?

Hmmmm.

I still hurt, I still feel pain from my gramma.
Even though I know she's happily up there.

I miss the tranquility she brought to my soul, the simplicity that could solve everything; that there wasnt a language barrier because she's such an adaptable lady.
And I could, can always tear, break a while, when I start thinking.
That I wanna succumb to the tears, just cry and all.

But I hold back the tears, the thoughts. Or even if I cry, which I did for a few seconds during the interfaith memorial service, I don't allow myself to feel, to soak in the emotion, at all.

I don't even feel constricted at all.
It's still total numbness in a sense?

Is it even numbness?

Hmm. Scary, in a sense, because I'm afraid that the suppressing of these feelings will lead to the same things happening all over again.

Am I classified under emotional. Dots.
My emotions rocket up and down, like some dysfunctional rollercoaster. Perhaps partially why I hardly text people about what goes on in my brain at any point in time.
Apart from the random shizz where I start typing in caps and spam dudes, which is entertaining. Heh. But only a few dudes can take my trash, can absorb, can keep up with my thought flow.
It's definitely, ultimately challenging to do so.

That's why the distance that I put across is so wide for most dudes. That they can't reach, or are totally oblivious to this side of me.

I'm acutely aware of what I say and don't say, what I usually say, and when I don't mention it anymore.
Like answering to a question to "Why must I sleeeeeeeep?" when I know exactly the answer which would make that dude put down the phone, listen, and actually go into slumberland. Or at least try to.

I miss curling up and feeling secure, without any weight to carry.
Of refuge.
Of love.

Still has the strong sense of insecurity in that sense. I haven't felt reallyreally loved, or secure in a long time.
-moo softly.

Cause its not hard to fall when you float like a cannonball.

2010-07-06T20:55:00.002+08:00

Went for an interfaith memorial service just now.

Meaningful. Of Buddhist, Hindu, Taoist, Muslim, Christian faiths.

Plus the song thingy played by some angmoh guy.

I actually felt a little emotion but just numbed myself. Subconsciously I guess.

unsettled soul. Tsk.

2010-07-04T23:54:00.001+08:00

I'm confuzzled.

2010-07-04T17:12:00.002+08:00

Wonders, wonders.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ALBERT POSIS IS EPIC DOPE. (:

2010-06-30T15:11:00.002+08:00

Crazy feelings just now, haaaa.

I think I'm still continuing to detach myself from everything in a sense and not feeling much.
It's official that 've lost dairy; he's changed again, from the texts and everything.

And I wonder why I keep taking the risks time and again to open up after periods of times that I hold everything in, when it ends up in this state. Fascinating actually. That's why I distance myself again by being the hypernut moo; starting to build walls again.

And I wonder too if it's fair to bry, because I'm starting to drift off away.

Hmmmmmmmmmm goes mario.

2010-06-28T13:42:00.001+08:00

my markie and glenny.

I think I hold on to the wrong things.

What do I want, exactly?

2010-06-28T13:26:00.004+08:00

One of the days that I made my decision to go back as a CI.

The campcraftcom changed things.

Reverting back, wanting to go back to make things better.

Is going back always that good? To cling on to things.

Do I actually know the answer to that?

Because I'm not allowing myself to think why.

Thats why I dont get the fulfillment now. Or the motivation, when people congratulate me on finishing the course. It doesnt bloody help me to pass my promos uh.

blank ranks; dan hu, ziwei, zu, yongkiong, yonghong, junmin, marc, tingting, mund, saiful, lowjuliang.

my abang syaz!

wonders unfulfilled.

2010-06-28T13:03:00.002+08:00

I realize I only share the places that we used to go to; only with the ones I truly treasure, and trust deeply.

Unwavering trust.

"What if I disappeared and not respond to anything from you any longer."
"I'll hunt you down."
"Knew you'd say that."
"Haaaaaaaa deal with it."

Of punggol end, long rides from harbourfront, stuff like that.

mm...

This is getting majorly amusing. I IS NO THREAT. tsktsk.
This isn't just simple jealousy, certain amounts are fine. This is over possessiveness man. -_-

2010-06-28T09:29:00.002+08:00

I'm guessing 'll only receive a text in about 2 hours time. "HEY BOYFRIEND I JUST WOKE UP HAHA. " -___-

But I ate cornflakes and choc biscuits and milk alr. APPLE TOO.
The supply of apples is down to two. Woops.

Queen of procrastination; in ultimate form.

Yesterday was alright in a way?
Loved the rain falling, loved the ripples it made on the surfaces of the mini flood at the rooftop.
Just let it out, just cried for a while, allowed myself to feel, soak in the emotions, to burst for a tiny, tiny while.
Drowning sorrows in milo and chinchow, ahah. Anti-climax uh.

To watch clouds roll past, from grey to white, but still rain falling.
So cold, so alone in a sense, wrapped up in a hoodie, with music plugged in and just curled up first, then lying down near the ladder looking down at the rippling water.

Left for a short while, and went back there. Still raining, and I just sat at the corner of the ladder; just thinking.
Switching between numbness and actually allowing myself to remember and feel the thoughts.
Bry suddenly popped out of nowhere; and I tio chuak, because he said that he was at the polyclinic.
And I turned away, because I didnt expect him to appear, and I didnt have the time to hide the tears falling.

Perhaps one of the reasons why he means so much to me; is the way he reacts to me crying.
Few actually react the way he does; its not the hey-don't-cry-wanna-talk-about-it or fussing to go get tissue or something.
Because he knows that I'll feel crappier; because to me right now, crying's a sign of weakness, and to do that would be worse for me.

To be so persistent in his own way, even when I turn to the ladder part where he can't reach, he still manages to prop himself to a position where he can see me face to face.
He's getting weaker, it worries me much. To know his heart still throbs so much it wracks the entire body when he breathes sometimes.

Sometimes the close proximity scares me. Okay, not scare in the way of fear, but it just enables me to open up so much more, to be able to say anything, that even silence speaks actually, that no words are needed, just holding close.
My mushroomo's head just propped up on my shoulder, holding me from the back.

True; I'm afraid to trust again, afraid to open up again, afraid to share things, to say things that'll betray my inner thoughts.
Because I did, with darius, and it really feels as if I lost a friend again.
And the reasons why he kinda left my life; is the jealousy against bry. Thats the main point.
Plus; he can't understand why I close up again. He can't take it, and perhaps blames himself. Or whatever.
And it sucks; because it took a lot for me to open up to him.

And I never tell sherilyn every single thing; because she doesnt understand a lot of things, its all foreign to her at times, but I can't blame her.

I've stopped telling my kor things, and stuff at home has reverted back to normal in a way that I hold back a lot of things from my parents as usual, and have this barrier that I re-create.

I was selfish yesterday, to talk about my stuff in the short time that we had.
Yet I know that he has much that he's holding back too. I didn't reveal every single thing, and he knows it.
His eyes are less pained, but they're so tired, and still contains hurt. Physically exhausted too.
I gave him the hard candy sweets before pre-u sem stayover, smiley faced ones, and I told him to eat only when he's truly happy. Its been about a month, and he admitted only 5 are eaten.

It's a pathetic number, truthfully. It makes me sad.

We're so alike it's a little amusing at times.

Like not leaning the entire weight of our bodies against one another sometimes, like flashing smiles, sticking out tongues, just to hide. Not wanting to be selfish, putting ourselves last, rather hurting alone than others to feel any hurt.
Not exactly to run, but just to keep pushing. Him more than me, nowadays.
To have a part of the self, that others can hardly reach, or never do.
To have the raw emotions that are perpetually concealed.
To be that sensitive to every word, every emotion, every action, of each other, as well as the people around. That observant, that we're able to see a lot of things that people in general usually don't.

When he's that close, it's either raging hormones or something. Doubt its hormones but I'm ignoring the feelings anyway. Haaa.

Anywayo;
He's one of the only consistent ones that stay, that I actually feel loved by, that I'm secure with.

I'm insecure in that way.
That I need to be told I'm loved. Not just for the sake of saying, but that I'm actually be able to feel it. Because I'm not feeling much of it, except from mushroomo, and feng.
Tangible ones, not much.

It does hurt, to have dudes just become distant after a while.
and sometimes, dudes just fade off after you've done a lot for them, but sometimes it cant be helped I guess.

"You pity people too much, love. Just tell him you don't want to talk to him."
"I'm not like that."
"I know. That's why I love you."

Thats the extent of the understanding, thats why we're so alike.
That he tells me that the recount's not that important, the feelings are more significant, when I talk.

That when I said I feel alone, still alone, he replies thatswhyIrefusetosleepnow even though he's tired. And we can just fall asleep while in an embrace.

And I still wonder, because we were on the phone last night, and he asked if I'll stop loving him, not stay, and leave; if he stops talking, replying, calling me.
I replied a staunch no.
He asked why.

"Have you never felt that before?"
"No. It rarely happens."
"Why."

That particular why is still avoided, and I still have a few wonders about certain things.
Because I wonder why he knows that me saying that I love him is true and not just a passing statement, not something to be trifled with.
I wonder too, why he doesn't feel worthy, why no one has actually managed to see through him, because to me it's simple for me to do so.
I wonder, how he knows my next move, the way I reply, for example when I became curt in my replies because I was pissed at my parents for yelling at my ah kong through the phone.
I wonder; why he's never felt valued, loved, cherished, when he has had the relationship with gelly before.

Many many wonders actually.

Fragile actually, deep within.

Frankly, I don't know what kind of love we have.
I ignore, because it somehow can't be classified right now? Or admitted.
Both knowing its more than platonic friends, but what would it be then?

I suddenly have the iwannacry feeling; because I'm afraid, I'm scared, I'm panicking,
then the emotions fly away.
Disappeared again. -_-

Crazy mario, haiyoooooooooi.

aye, I predict well! Girlfriend lowjuliang just texted me. laughs.

MEOW. It's not my fault that guys treat me as one of them. It's a bit -_- when daniel's gf gets possessive. HELLOOOO, I POSE NO THREAT.

uh, whatthemoo.

2010-06-20T14:59:00.002+08:00

I get a sense of tiny, tiny contentment when I spam people in the morning with morning messages. Heh.

mmmmhmm.

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell.

un-massed today.
I still don't think I'll ever go back. Yet. A bloody long time.

Perhaps to me now, crying and breaking down is a sign of weakness.
Because the little time that I had with my mushroomo today, after rp betrayed me; time was so short, I didnt talk no more.

It hurt, frankly.
But I numbed myself.

2010-06-13T18:09:00.002+08:00

I wonder if anyone'll actually miss me when I go for residential course, then atc.
Food for thought.

Same again, for today.
Shermy's the only one who notices when I disappear. Same for the bbq yesterday.
I came, and popped by only for a short while.
Yet I had the thought that I went for nothing, because it wasnt worth it.
Frankly no one noticed that I left. Absolutely no one.

today;
Not a single text, not a single call to ask where I am, where I've been, whether I've been okay, been fine, wondering why I've not been back.
Am I getting too critical? or is it just acceptance of another missing member.

Do I actually mean anything?

Isn't it bloody why so many people just leave, and no one actually bothers to call them back or enquire.

No I wasn't angry, bry, just annoyed with myself, saddened by myself, with an urge to hit the wall.
And whatever was on my mind, wasnt just about the course alone.
Bit of awkward positions today for a while.

I've had enough of goodbyes, enough of leavings, enough of being left alone.
I can't even cry, because the supressed emotions are stifling me. A whole lot.
Probably also feelings of jealousy, a little.

Its burning up, burningburningburning.

It's friggin scary.
Because I've lost my passion for npcc.
Lost it.
Entirely.

Something which I never thought I would ever do.

...never.

fuckdammit, never.

I don't want to hear about how fun your life is; or what stuff, what new opportunities you get that gets you excited.
But I'll be selfish, to think that anyone would give up everything for me.
And I wouldnt want that too, to make me priority and chuck everything aside.
Because then it'll be me dragging another person down.

I can't be texting dudes moment after moment, minute after minute, aimlessly staring at my phone for a reply, or anything.

I can't keep relying on dairy. Because I'll be giving him false hopes. And it'll be entirely unfair to him, so much.
Yet the more I say, the more I reveal, will only hurt him more, that he can't do anything.
Guilt, because I'm treating him differently again, distancing myself.
Back to square one.

And then I'm feeling guilty; cos my yehyeh asked how was my studies, I told him it was okay.
But its not, its bleddy not, because I havent touched anything for close to three weeks.

The downward spiral's continuing, and I blame myself for it,a lot.

Didn't go for mass today, again.
I don't think I'm going back for a really, really long while.
It's been a couple of months.

And then I wonder; thats why I build up walls in the first place.
That I would act happiness out.
Because I don't wanna affect dudes at all.

Act, mario, dammit, act.

random quote today; "why'd you hug me in a way I can't hug you back?"

Maybe because I'm just holding back so you can't reach me.
I seem to surprise you so much these days.

Take a step back and fade into the distance.

that sentence seems so familiar. Hmm.

So trusting. Today.
That you even asked if you could rest. Which has never happened before, or even to rest your entire weight.
[numbing of my leg wasn't your fault, heh, seriously.]

Yet there was so much pain, you jerked so much, and the breathing was so harsh.
But you actually slept a deeper sleep.

aye, you crazy mushroom, you're making me feel emotions that I haven't felt for so long.
But I can't have those emotions hmmm.

pent-up frustrations.

2010-06-11T16:05:00.000+08:00

mm. pweety.

2010-06-11T15:54:00.002+08:00

Nigey sets me thinking.

"You keep running, keep hiding, keep kidding yourself. You told me to whack you flat the other time. I feel like doing so. Want it?

If I believe in you, why aren't you trusting that I believe the right person."

Food for thought.

2010-06-10T23:16:00.002+08:00

AJ RAFAEL IS AWESOME.

Dwelled again today.
I keep letting pessimism seep through, its bloody annoying.

I can't move, like that. ROAR.

Scrolling through contacts; I don't know who to call, who to talk to, who to spam;
because I have absolutely no idea what to say. Just arbitrary moos, just being speechless.

Feeling detached, currently.
A little. I'm sitting in the dark now, with only a tiny light on near the lappie, and feeling cold.
Which is rare, because I'm warmer than most dudes.

ajrafael's soothing.

I'm supposed to be doing gp work. I'm supposed to be freaking studying my ass off for midyears.
And I just wasted twelve days. Awesome shizz.

I don't know why I can't cry anymore.

I don't know why my eyes have become so dry, so distant.

keep your eyes locked on mine
let the music be your guide

Convinced myself, that I've numbed myself. Another paradox.
I haven't, actually.
Not when everything still hits me badly, thoughts flood, book's in front of me but I can't concentrate, can't absorb.

Fear's not setting in, I can't feel. At all.
I can't feel.

... I was supposed to play the organ for her funeral.
It was just a random conversation.
But I remember all these.

Almost every one of them.

You can't get me not to think, because I still do.

And sometimes I wonder, God, why you gave me a mind like this; one that thinks so much, so, so, much.
Because it thinks so much when it's not required to, and doesn't, when it's supposed to.

How would my eulogy be like?

Salt of the earth, light of the world.
How'm I to achieve that, in the way that I want to, in the way that I love.

?

"It's a worm that got so tired it curled up, exclamation marks are worms that got electrocuted so they're straight."

both so random, both so spastic sometimes, both seeing right through. rawr. crazy moo.

2010-06-10T00:38:00.001+08:00

FENG WANTS TO KILL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

woops.

2010-06-10T00:20:00.003+08:00

Feeling so bleddy unfit its kinda disgusts me. hurhurr.

leaving on a jet plane.

Missmoomoo[bessie] left today.

Not close, but I moo at her once in a while when I see her, ahah.

Leavings.
that was what was on my mind, mushroomo.

Wasn't really comfortable there; could feel my expression being distracted, even though I was crapping about with russy, vannie and flea for a while.

I made mushroomo worry; I looked away, I was thinking back on old memories of being on 27.

mmm.

what happened to others before self, huh marioo.

ey I don't know why I'm watching Armageddon again.
ITS A BLEDDY SAD MOVIE. D:

2010-06-09T01:59:00.000+08:00

I just went to see my feb10 post.
whatthemooo.

2010-06-09T01:52:00.002+08:00

mushroomo fell asleep on the phone probably fifteen minutes ago.
Still haggard breathing.

redbull is awesome; thanks jojo and feng.

I haven't truly smiled in ages.

It's bleddy depressing luh dammit.

Needs to curl up, just be held tight.

2010-06-09T00:05:00.003+08:00

burning, burning emotions.

Keeps burning.

I hope you dance.

I don't know why I'm crumbling so much, so hard.
I haven't felt so much emotions and everything in all seventeen years of my life.
Weary.

I wanta talk to fr frans. ):
He'll hug me, make me feel like a child again.
Like a small, innocent, clueless child.
One that ran to him and jumped up into his arms every time he came over.

Even as I grew, he'll know exactly what I was thinking.
At 14, when I held back because I was older, and didn't move forward to hug him or anything, he just looked into my eyes, like a loving father.
He's one of the people whom I see God in.

When I was so much younger, they asked for our role models.
I put Pope John Paul II. and my gramma.
One who passed on alr, one living.
now both happily in heaven.

I have so much to say, so much to pour out.

It's not that I haven't let her go.
It's more like I could never forgive myself.
I still can't.

I hate the way I make things so complex, when I could do things simply.
I hate the way I used to do, or still do things.
To succumb to emotions, and text people.
To make everything so complicated.

To keep living in the past, not letting things go.

Till the word 'hurt' is overrated, overused.

Paradoxical. Contradictory.
I didn't rely, I get myself into bullshit.
I rely, I dwell and immerse in self-deprecation. Which is still bullshit.

Or perhaps its just that I got knocked off, off-balance, got influenced, being a bloody stubborn piece of shit.
I don't usually hate, but yeah; I do hate myself for all this crap.

Embracing brokenness.
But still, this is different for me.
I was completely crushed during ymc, at the brokenness station thingy.

I couldn't. Because the brokenness is not just a tiny part of my character, or a flaw.
It's everything.

That's why it makes it so much harder.
So friggin much harder.

I'm finding it hard to breathe right now actually.
The soul's still unsettled.

I know you don't understand me.
I don't understand me.

I don't freaking understand myself, I don't know myself.
I don't, anymore.

I don't know why I don't build much walls, or try to.
I don't know why I let the pained eyes be revealed, be gray.
I don't know why I keep my mouth in a tight-lipped smile.
I don't know why I continue being silent, subdued
I don't know why I still refuse to face anything.
I don't want to.

The conflicting emotions grip me, practically grips me.

drifting, drifting.

And I wonder why I'm comforting that dude instead, not to sigh, not to feel useless.
It's precisely why I never relied; because I never wanted them to feel that way.

2010-06-08T14:09:00.002+08:00

not penning it down, not typing, not writing.

what the moo.

It's not at peace, my heart's not at peace.
It keeps clamming up and constricting.

I can't bloody pick up and move.

ROAR.

Detachment again.
And I'm hurting him in the process; the eyes are more pained, more gray, more troubled.
I opened up, he opened up too.
Not entirely, but markedly different from before.

From refusing to succumb to sleep, jerking awake after five minutes and pulling back,
to just curling up and staying there, showing vulnerability and parts of the heart whom I can tell has never been shown to anyone else before.
Knowing that my strength could never match up, for obvious reasons.

Heart pumping so hard its worrying.
[ey, feng, I tend to always find these kinda dudes with physical problems like these, true uh.]

And I still do this?

I'm not moving, I'm still dwelling.
Still friggin dwelling, not feeling any pain from stepping up.

Back into the room yesterday, it hurt.
Distant, God is.
No. I made him distant.

I still don't want to face familiar faces, don't want to open up again, don't want to do any bloody thing.

It's bloody crazy.

4hours,39minutes, I checked the phone.
I could hear harsh, ragged breathing.
So alike, it makes me feel inadequate, because I was the one always being there, standing firm, being the one holding everyone else up, despite my personal pain and hurt.

Others before self, using physical exhaustion to drown out my own crap,
and I just kept pushing, pushing, pushing.

I crack so easily now.
Succumbing so easily now.
Being pissed and frustrated, having pent up emotions rushing up time and again.

And looking for people to pour out to.
I shouldn't.

Couldn't. No, it's still a shouldn't.
Even if it made me crash that badly in the first place.
I don't know.

Fear, so much more now, so many different ones.
It used to be just one single one.

Similar, similar.

Yet he's so much stronger than I am, now.
Lost myself.

How to make that dude believe?

feelings all mixed, rushing up, falling.
Rollercoaster.

Had enough of it, but I can't stop it.

"To find another way".

Everything that he says, is exactly what I'd say.
Everything he does, it exactly what I'd do.

But I've slipped, that I couldnt do, can't do it now.

Total bullshit.

Perhaps the question is why not?

Its not possible actually.

I trusted that He'd give me what I needed, what I wanted.
Do I now?

so long, of not going for mass.
Had to, inevitably today.

It gets on my nerves when that other dude highlights that I haven't gone, that I'll run, that I'll leave. That I refuse to sleep.
Gets on my nerves, pisses me off, wants to kill that nut periodically.
Yet it's not his fault.

Just tuned in for a while during homily.

To trust in Him.

I did. Or did I not?

Broken, at the retreat.
Entirely.

So afraid of falling, I screwed myself over and over.
Pick up, dammit, pick up.

ROAR.

Sick of feeling this, sick of crying, sick of living, but I'm not suicidal or anything.

fug dammit.

how.

because its my own life, I'm the only one that can bring it up again.

I want instant answers, I want people to make decisions for me, I want to be able to just crumble and not do anything.

I didnt learn from last year. Consequences.
oh blooody shit, oh bloody frigggggggin shit.

hmmm.

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you here

2010-04-03T00:18:00.002+08:00

Fascinating. I havent blogged in close to two months.
It actually helps me to figure out my thought process a little more logically.. Wonder why I ditched it for so long.

Ah, sometimes I'm damn chao geng; ponyo,vey,fishy,feng can vouch for that.

I really want that so badly. Need it, actually.
For now my hopes are really raised so much, I'll fall daaaaaaaaamn deep if I... yeah.

Fascinating facts of life.

I'm bleddy sleepy now, my eyes are closing. BAKING A CAKE IS AWESOME STUFF.

Monday oh monday, why so cruel to me.
...so near yet so far. The four hour break is suddenly so pointless next week. I DONT WANT THAT BLEDDY PE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, I WANNA GO BACK TO SCHOOL. D:

Hope; Pray; Hide.

Hide.

2010-02-10T11:13:00.002+08:00

I'm so much like you; restless and reckless, I need a clue.

I'm gonna blog only as and when I feel like it, heh.
I'm on the second day of my mc today; it feels like holiday cos 'm feeling much better and awake today. I'VE NEVER SEEN 40DEG ON THE THERMOMO BEFORE! Except when we're playing with hot water and seeing the temp go up and up. (x

But it's awwwww because there's a few dudes who's so worried it's sweet. Like russy and vannie, esp vannie who keeps nagging me to sleep every few texts; and wanting to visit.
Russy promoting his sexydiamond and wanting to take me to an event in march.
eh, but sexydiamond is cool seh.

My new banana class is quite okay; but I still buay tahan having a twin name in class cos its bleddy annoying; as there are so many ijtp people who know mars, so when they call her I turn. BLUEAK. So not fun okay.
And its still damn weird to have your form teacher calling you by your nickname. WHICH IS MARIO. It's too strange. TOO STRANGEEEEEEE.

oh and it's great not having to take chinese anymore, MWAHAHAHAHA. Right ying/ahping/johnny?
and we don't take ell too, so it means breakbreakbreak and on some days we get to go off earlier. hurhur. Currently there's nothing to mug, so it's taking of random retarded photos, though it's not that fun with so little people lah, ping's stomach got alien werms so he needs to eat.

It's a little freaky to have people who know him, know that he knows me, cos he asks about me.
Hello dude, I miss us being close buds. hmmwhmm.

And I still love the dude whom I've made mac&cheese for the first time in me life, so much.

I'm still getting used to jc life; of wearing a skirt and blouse instead of a pinafore, to pull the shirt below and to fold in the pinafore before sitting. Or to have a pocket that's more convenient.
Class is not so different; there's only 5 guys[of which one I have no same frequency, because my IQ is so far from his uh, dont know what he's talking about], damn sad lah. Not much variety, plus there's no manly femmes apart from jo and yinggs.
but markie and maomao's cool plus shauna, pang and vics, but too bad they're in science. ):

[ooh russy just texted.]
hmmmwhmmm.

Ah, apparently they have 2.4 in odac today, but me and mel are sick! So's davey and russy.
baaa.

I still love acoustic versions of songs, they're blasting in my ears now. (:

Shall go cook now and get back to blog once in a while.

Peace+love. (:

2010-01-07T19:48:00.002+08:00

I've been working these few weeks, and after coming back; I'll be so bloody aching 'll just read a bit of comics and collapse on the bed to sleep...
and the cycle goes on the next day.

Is it pathetic to hurt like that?

meowmeow. -pokes that yellow thingy under my table.

):

2009-12-14T19:50:00.002+08:00

First day of work today; 9 to 5.
Time passed fast I guess, with sizhong kor and hannah jie helping me and guiding to new stuff.
Free time can play fb. HAHA. It's quite okay I guess.
mario can memorize the barcode for toner, ink, cartridge, printer, drum, for canon, xerox, hp, imation, brother and maxell~

oh and to see the pathetic shredder occasionally go up in smoke. -.-

Keeps my mind off everything.
mm... earning chikching means less time to go back for training.
'm prob going back only about five times from tomorrow.
Wonder how's flagstaff. hmmmmo.

I'm a fool, yes I know.
and perhaps the oceans will come more often, and more sleepless nights; and you don't need to care.
You don't have the time anyway.

Is it wrong to love the ones closest to your heart.

2009-11-28T23:18:00.003+08:00

It hurts when you keep pushing me away.
Cutting off everything, every single thing.

such brilliance hmm..

When it's closer to the heart, it hurts so much more, so freaking much.

It's different now. Wasn't this what I had asked?
But it's all a pretense.
Yet I can't ask for what I actually want.... what I need the most.

I'm such a phony nut.

and fengy's being a nice moo though. -pats her head.

empty. ):

mario just needs...

2009-11-25T13:41:00.002+08:00

It gets to me that the coldness is now so prominent.
Is our friendship gone, wj?

Currently, there's nothing much to live for, since it's so monotonous.
I get up, watch a video or two or a drama or a movie, if there's mass I go in the evening, back, bit of tv or whatever, then willing myself to sleep at about 2 or 3am.

meow.

I just watched virginsnow just now, At World's End yesterday, Time Between Dog and Wolf, My girl, Take Care Of the Young Lady, and 'm boredddddddddddddddddddddddddddd.
BY THE WAY, JOHNNY DEPP IS HOT.
SO'S LEEJOONKI. ^^

still uploading photos that I should've uploaded eons ago, but it's taking a while and meanwhile 've nothing to do except continue typing. mm.

Am I a fool to wait?

whereeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee are all my shoppingdates uh.
mm, once upon a time farfaraway, my free time was with you.

moo. IT'S ONLY TWO PM.
wha'm I supposed to do.

I wanna go ikea. ):

I think I shall go catch up on heroes and flashforward.

I just need you.

2009-09-22T23:42:00.003+08:00

How my thoughts they spin me round.

I need a pensieve.
Or temporary correction tape that works on brain cells?

There'll be nothing you can do
What if you could hear this song
What if I
Felt like I belong
I might not be leaving oh so soon
because I'd never be.